lullaby lullaby...

i will sing to you soon

dear pillow

once these drugs are absorbed

dear pillow

do i avoid you too often?

i will no longer sleep tonight

sunrise sunrise...




sweet dreams dear friends who cannot sleep.
good morning you drowsy liar.

how quickly she did forget.

killing all the meaning in this mess.

a mix has been made.

oh boy, it's like that again.

she's erasing herself from me.

not like last time.

last time was a false alarm. she came back. love or sex or lack of inspiration drove her back into my bed frame. stretched arms are hard to hold, all sweaty and jagged with motion.

my feelings:

the depressed ones can best be described as being alone forever. not stretched over some great meadow of time.

i live all of those years of despair all at once.

no more bed framed tragedies...
playing the who's who
woo of contemporary man

knocking his knuckles on the solid wall you built.

lucky you let him in.

i want out.

i want out of this life

of tinted window sex drives
never feeling confident with the steering wheel
just of coasting down hills at night when the roads are not wet.

that is safe.
in summertime.

no one expects any more from the summer.

dry nights and short romances...

no need to hit the breaks

just a smooth motion to the bottom.

where safe roads will lead you up the next incline.

however endless it may seem.

winter will always come.
winter will always be so hard.
to live freely when the weather can cause your death...
that is a trick

freezing is not scary.
fuck this laptop.
short battery life ends the running together thoughts
of how there is one next to me. i should be keeping warm.
but i cannot
i cannot sit still
with no sleep
feeling weak
i go to sit until the sun comes over that window.

Though I have a broken heart
Im too busy to be heartbroken
Theres a lot of things that need to be done
Lord I have a broken heart

Though I have a broken dream
Im too busy to be dreaming of you
Theres a lot of things that I gotta do
Lord I have a broken dream

And Im wasted all the time
Ive gotta drink you right off of my mind
Ive been told that this will heal given time
Lord I have a broken heart

And Im crying all the time
I have to keep it covered up with a smile
And Ill keep on moving on for a while
Lord I have a broken heart

toxic tide rise

the moon tugs on my blood

when will you get out of rehab?

when will i have to go?

i though of the three lines i will repeat in every song for you.

you will hear them soon enough

and grow tired of them quickly.

can he leave us alone?

can you make sure he does?

will i sleep a little tonight?

no no no no no no no no

tired.
wishing i could hear her voice once more before she is locked away for a month...
marissa nadler sings new songs into my head.

sleep?

i want it to be so.
so.
so.
soon.

try as i did

to keep from being blind

we failed we failed we failed

we failed to feel the warmth

held within our cracking finger tips

the codeine clearing my head

the codeine filling my bed

no more loneliness

no more despair

just thickly coated syrups

spilling from my mouth

agape

as filled with cotton

by the mind of god

allowing toxins to escape in time

while i, sleeping

dreamed of dorsom

not dying

not leaving

stayed as we laid

comfort

with leaves

one summer two years gone

or two summers one year gone

woke up on carpet

dry, alive

so sorry i couldn't make it

so sorry my hands did soak

until sticky

still sickly

no sleep

we're free

and freezing this winter

in hands not holding tightly

fearing the fast let-go

singing the

"i'm true!"

"i'm true to you!"

fib for kids

but we're free and freezing this winter

from hands not tightly holding

hollow arms and plastic veins

empty hands and collapsing mind

hallelujah
hallelujah
hands did lie once more
hallelujah
hallelujah

winter does live in our hands
cupped to accept the cold held out
by others.

the sunrise after the first real snow of the year... it's very blue. the kind of blue-grey that nothing can mimic.

it's beautiful outside. it's hard to be unhappy, but still- no sleep. it is impossible to remain sensible with this lack of rest.

thought drinking would help me sleep.

no luck.

wish more people would stay up all night, so i'd have some damn company when the sun was coming up.

recording is stressful. being in charge of the act of recording and playing most everything is even worse.

having some input from chris has been the only thing keeping the belief in me that this is worthwhile.

trying to book starry night shows well in advance...

plan more recordings @ studio for sonic pieces

make an entire solo set to play on saturday

keep my job at rec & tape

apply for college (it's about time)

secure loans and a place to live

get things from my folks house (fuck)

practice with the "band"

get cellphone working

etc.

etc.

etc.

loneliness

stress

exhaustion

and

no sleep


again. again.

i need to meet more insomniacs. everybody complains about how they "never sleep" but they are liars. they sleep much they sleep often.

someone fucking cure my sleeping problems. now. please.

i miss sleeping.

more than anything in the world.

none.

i declare death on rest!

no sleep.

i turned on a light and swear to christ, saw the blood vessels in the back of my eyes.

time traveled again hello tomorrow. living in yesterday. etc.

it's in the drugs...

as it is above...
so it is below.

inside and out.

tonight talks with spiritual elders
land on my back and whisper into drums

i can hear birds beating
about how it's morning now
no sleep...

weakfree
but tired
weekfree
and freezing

HOORAY! WORLD! THERE! IS HOPE!
__ ______ __ _______ __ ______
16 dead in car bomb, ambush at US Embassy in Yemen


Stocks sink after government bailout of AIG


Suspected US missile strike kills 6 in Pakistan


Mexican grenade attack shows no one is safe


Darfur rebels report heavy battles with government


France to give Australia access to New Caledonian defence base


6,200 Chinese babies ill, 3 die from tainted milk


Officials say 2 killed in north Lebanon violence


US military deaths in Iraq war at 4,159

in a bath today.

i tried holding my arms underwater.

hands can drown, you know.

i saw myself in gray long sleeves.

pinned up at the elbow.

no arms to hold nothing.

no hands to wave.

sylvain sang to me from the future.

he didn't do that in the past.

i hate you.

but love the toast you make.

my feet are cold.

maybe they'll fall off, too.


WHAT ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY MEANS:
i fell asleep upwards this future morning and apologized to a cat-
for the stock market collapsing.

i took a claw hammer to a jar of orange marmalade.

i don't know how to use this thing. and the little i figure out on here just leads me to believe that it's an ego boosting tool where people discuss how they're more sad than everyone- or preach about vanity- or attempt to look more attractive/badass than most anyone else.
POOP ON YOU!